Difficult times..........

The world is in crisis. People are killing and committing atrocities against one another.

Some fly by night religions would have you believe that blowing yourself in the name of God means that you get a golden carriage clock and a cheque book and pen in heaven for your troubles. Tish and indeed tosh. Do you really think that the one and only true God would actively encourage the whole scale murder of a certain group of people? Bollocks! The Big Yin even said to me the other day,

Here Chicanio!"

And i'm like

"Aye?"

He goes

"What's that whole scale murdering of certain groups of people all about?"

I'm thinking to my self, 'You're God, you know everything' but i quickly realise this is a test, so ah goes

"Aye it's pure dodgy, no?"

He's getting a wee bit uppity

"Damn tootin it is!! Why are people killing in the name of me, Reverand?"

And it pure hits me like a comedy piano in a Warner Brothers cartoon, you know, the Wile E Coyote one when he's pure chasing that wee ostrich about the place.

"Because they think they're becoming heroes and getting loads of gifts and burds when they snuff it!"

God, not in a dissimilar way to the way that Biff Tanner would knuckle George McFlys head, grabs me and sits me down

"And what are you gonna do about it?"

With a stroke of the chin i proclaim

"Tell the world the beauty of the Word of God. Show the people that killing is wrong and that loving your fellow man is the right way to live. Embrace and understand the beliefs and faiths of different cultures, eh, something like that?!"

God just sighed and let out a wee wry smile

"No ma man, you're gonnae undercut the opposition!!"

"Eh?"

"All you need to do to get the punters in is to offer them gold and beautiful girls and cake and stuff if they join you, the one and only true religion"

I'm a wee bit dubious at this point

"You sure Big Man?, we've tried that before and all i got was a comment off of someone trying to sell me knob pills or something!"

God shakes his head

"Rome wasn't built in a day, my young apprentice"

I'm pure in awe

"Ooooo, but didn't you create stuff like light and darkness in a less than a day?"

God goes

"Aye, ah know, but YOU have to spread my word. People would go daft if they saw me out and about. Sell me!!!!"

Then he's for the off


So there you have it folks, actual proof that my religion is better than all the rest. I have been authorised by God to tell you that if you join us now, expiry date of this sale- 6th June 2009- that he promises you, if you lead a good life without the intentional killing of anyone, the personalised heaven of your choice. How's about that??? He will give you a whole afternoon with one of his advisors in heaven for you to structure your very own heaven experience! Be it virgins, gold, eternal happiness, we have what you're looking for.

Sign up today!!!!!